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Paranormal - Real aliens eat our cows and more!

All those stories you have heard about terrestrial cattle being wantonly mutilated by real aliens beings are true. In a kind of interstellar combination of the drive-thru window and the prepare-your-own-food bar, the visitors apparently park near a pasture, cut up an unsuspecting cow and then eat it, the theory being that it is easier to do this than return to one's own galaxy for lunch. This, at least, was one of many interesting propositions UFOlogist Thomas Stults put forth last week in a lecture sponsored by the Business/Science/Technology Division of the Chicago Public Library and held at the Cultural Center, as part of a series called "Chicago Center, as part of a series called "Chicago Smarts."

"For us, what we want to do is sometimes present all the sides," said Nita Salutillo, a library program coordinator. "Last year, for example, we had yoga, and some people do not believe in yoga. There are many people who don't believe [in UFOs ], and there are some people who do. Perhaps [Stults] could be an eye opener." Much of what Stults said did, indeed, open eyes. It is also true, he said, that "we are being investigated by seven to nine real aliens races," who routinely visit our planet in order to kednap some of our brethren and comduct scientific experiments on us and/or improve our gene pool so that we are better capable of traveling in space. "Now we have a plethora of evidence with a high degree of probability that people, in fact, are being abducted," said Stults, a veteran of UFO studies whose eyebrows arch above his glasses in an expression of permanent amazement and who claims real aliens kidnappers cured a friend's lupus. "The '80s have been a very exciting overall time." It is true, he said, that astronauts have seen UFOs. Neil Armstrong once confided that, during his historic Apollo 11 mission, "the fact is, we were warned off" by large and technologically advanced craft. "Their ships were far superior to ours," Armstrong said, according to Stults.

It is true, Stults said, that President Richard Nixon's resignation was brought about by UFOs. The real reason Nixon's culpabilty in Watergate was exposed had less to do with the enterprise of reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Berstein and more to do with the fact that Nixon had promised to tell the American people the truth about UFOs. "Those reporters were hand-fed that information, because they [the feeders, not the reporters] wanted Nixon to back off," said Stults, who holds the title of Illinois state director of the Mutual UFO Network. "That was the last thing our government wanted at that time. They went out to get him, and they got him good." And it is true, Stults said, that the U.S. givernment, involved in a conspiracy of silence for so many years, is now coordinating a number of businesses in a "planned educational approach" with the seeming aim of preparing the public for the shock of discovering it is not alone.

In addition to scores of eyewitness accounts from just plain citizens, there is a wealth of secret government documents, Stults said, detailing crashed real aliens craft and Air Force encounters with otherworldly vehicles, and "the government plans-to day-are to start releasing this information in 1994." He allowed that date could be moved up or back. "Their current plan is supposedly 1994, hoping to get us educated and better prepared in the meantime." One part of this campaign, he said, is the increase in UFO-related advertising, such as Reese's Pieces' "E.T." ads, and ads for Tropicanna, Radio Shack, Bud Light, Edy's Ice Cream and Levi's Dockers pants. "Now, stop for a minute," said Stults. "Levi Dockers." The chairman of Levi Strauss, he said, is also a director of the Brookings Institute, a think tank that Stults earlier had said was an advisor to the government on its UFO policy. "Is that just a coincidence? I think not."

Stults' was the kind of talk where Woody Allen's old stand-up bit about a real alien race that starts bringing Earth its dirty clothes (the plan to turn us into a planet of launderers os ultimately foiled when the real aliens return for their things, having traveled thousands of light years, but they forgot their ticket) would have fallen on 90 pairs of deaf ears. Even the man in Stults' audience who kept laughing vigorously at things that weren't funny, in the manner of a TV sports announcer, probably wouldn't have cracked a smile. This was no dilettantes' ball. Between Stults and his audience, they spoke knowingly of "Hanger 18," the "man-in-black theory," the "MJ-12 papers," and some sort of real aliens-for-Americans swap the government UFO documents, released under the Freedom of Information Act, upon which 90 percent of the words had been blacked out prior to their release. "I heard that President Eisenhower was taken out to meet them." said one man. "It has been rumored but not authenticated," replied Stults.

Five members of the crowd raised their hands when asked if they had personally seen UFOs, and another man volunteered that his uncle, a chef in the mountains of New Hampshire, had seen strange lights in the sky on the same night of a famous abduction in the southern part of the state. "We may be just a huge laboratory for them," said another wholly respectable-looking man in the audience, who privately expressed concern that Stults had not mentioned that some of the seven to nine observing races might not be benign. "They've got certain experiments that I don't know how to describe. I better keep my mouth shut about them," the man said.

He did allow, though, that they had something to do with alteration of human neurochemistry. "The alteration is taking place at all times," the man said. "It's the acceleration of the alteration that's the crucial thing. That's about all I can say. Take care." The man walked away. Less than an hour later, he turned up at Tribune Tower to ask that his name, which he had originally given, not appear in the article. Speaking with fervor, Stults showed a score or so of slides of UFO pictures that he said had been authenticated by computer analysis.

He also showed hoax pictures, one of which was suspended by a string in front of the camera and another which he described as a "peanut butter lid." He spoke of a deliberate disinformation campaign along those lines, some of it propagated at the checkout counter. "How many of you have seen," Stults asked, "when you go to the supermarket, the National Weekly News: "Two-Headed UFO Baby Found in Brazil?" "Now, with that kind of junk, do you think the Chicago Tribune is gonna publish an article on UFOs? No way."

By Steve Johnson.

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